In case you didn’t know. The internet has lost its mind over the upcoming “Goat Simulator” game. A prototype game hastily put together during a game jam just for fun that won the hearts of millions of netizens near and far. Enough hearts to warrant making it into a full title game soon to be released, probably, this year.
The premise is hilarious, the game is hilarious, the glitches are so hilarious the team decided to keep them and make them features. It’s no surprise we’re so excited for this, there aren’t really any comedy games to balance out all the war games, sniper games, assassin games, and zombie apocalypse games. Our only escape from the miserable and depressing world of grey and brown is “Octodad” and “The Stanley Parable”. So we couldn’t help but fall in love with this goofy goat. After all, it’s united us in the one thing we all have in common: the desire to annoy the hell out of other people and cause mischief.
My mind is racing. There’s so much potential. I couldn’t help myself. My life is going no where but I can still make a contribution to humanity. In the event that Goat Simulator is financially successful, here’s a look at what route Goat Simulator 2 can take.
Fun Factor: Exploiting the human desire to cause trouble, mischief and annoy people.
Why Goats? Adorable. Mischievous. Trouble Making Trolls. Jack pot. *baby goats are called “kids”.
Gameplay & Story: (copied from image above) You are a goat who’s been roaming free in the mountains and valleys above a small European town named “Meinburg”, population 20. The town has expanded and sprawled up into the grassy mountain valleys on YOUR turf. Drive out all 20 residents by destroying at least 95% of each residents’ property and filling up their annoyance meter past 95% so they lose the will to replace their damaged property. You can mate with female goats and reproduce offspring (Goat Kids) whose AI mimic the same destructive habits you had at the time of pro-creation. Build up your stats (which are constantly decreasing), hurry and mate, produce goat kids, and use your goat kids to take over the town and drive out all the citizens. Avoid the animal control guy by jumping up to out-of-reach places.
Winning Goal: There is no time limit but you are timed how fast you drive out all 20 residents. You can’t “die” but you can be caught by the local animal control and by the time you’re released a significant amount of residents are back and have replaced their damaged/moved property.
Your Goat Abilities: (I added 1 new feature, others are already in the game)
Use your Goat Abilities to build up your D.A.V. meters (Degrade, Assault, Vandalize):
Got it? Spit on humans -> they hang their head in shame and won’t replace vandalized objects.
Assault humans -> they will fear you and won’t chase or kick you when you vandalize their homes.
Vandalize human property -> they will replace the property (unless their “Degraded” meter is high) or/and will kick/attack you and your goat kids (unless their “Assaulted” meter is high).
Sounds easy. However humans move around quite a bit due to the Day/Night cycle and 5 day work week…
Day Cycle: There is a 24 hour time cycle, but instead of a dark “night mode” the entire town is just tinted blue (moon light blue) because goats can see in the dark. This way the player doesn’t need a flashlight. There are 7 days a week. The Day and Week cycle governs the behavior of the town residents and weather they are located at home or away from home.
(Optional )Enemy: 1 animal control specialist dressed in all white with a large net.
- He’s got a face helmet so spitting on him won’t work.
- He can’t be headbutted because getting close will automatically get you captured.
- You can only RUN and jump up on high places he can’t reach until he goes away.
- He will chase you indefinitely until you reach a position where he cannot get you, after that he’ll give up and go after your goat kids.
- Goat kids run at 95% the speed of Animal Control so they always get caught (slowly but eventually)
- Your goal is to reproduce enough trouble making goat kids to overwhelm the animal control and make his efforts negligible.
Female Goats, Mating, & Pro-Creating: Following the principles of evolution. Female goats are needed for reproduction so they do not partake in dangerous battles but instead stay safe on the outskirts of town eating grass. It might make hardcore feminist goats angry but it keeps the species from going extinct.
What Makes It Fun?
The numerous ways you can play the game:
- Go solo and have fun in the town yourself.
- Produce an army of little hell raising goat kids.
- Breed extremely Degrading & Assaulting goat kids who spit and headbutt humans for you, while you run around and wreck the place.
- Breed well rounded Degrading & Assaulting & Destructive goat kids (difficult) who do all the work for you.
- Play around with breeding different combinations, etc..
- Breed only Degrading goat kids and get the entire town demoralized then lick a park bench and haul ass through everyone’s home, wrecking everything in your path.
- So many ways to play…
That’s all. I’ve got so much to blog about and work on but I couldn’t help but post this as a creative exercise. Who knows it might even lead to a comedy franchise:
Just kidding about the last one I couldn’t help it. (No matter how light hearted a game franchise is, there are always talks from the publisher about eventually wanting to make a dark adult themed sequel)